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“Faded away like the color in a blue sky at the end of the day.
Night falls and the search begins for something better than this.

A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I’m not sure they will save us this time.
I don’t wanna be around
when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die.

You said the only way was to run away.
You’re sick of me so you just can’t stick around to hear me pleading
(I’m pleading).
Does it show?
I’m pathetic, I know.
I just can’t stand here and watch you go.
I’m running after you (I’m running after you).

Helpless, cause my hands are tied.
Eyelids pinned back so they’re open wide.
In a theatre, all alone in the front row,
to watch something beautiful die.

A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I’m not sure they will save us this time.
I don’t wanna be around
when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die.

You said the only way was to run away.
You’re sick of me so you just can’t stick around to hear me pleading
(I’m pleading).
Does it show?
I’m pathetic, I know.
I just can’t stand here and watch you go.
I’m running after you (I’m running after you).

What happened to the things we used to do?
You said it’s all the same and that you needed a change.
You left without goodbye and now I’m wondering why.
But I don’t think I want to know all the things that he does better
and how the past just doesn’t matter.
You left me once but this time will be the last time.

You said the only way was to run away.
You’re sick of me so you just can’t stick around to hear me pleading
(I’m pleading).
Does it show?
I’m pathetic, I know.
I just can’t stand here and watch you go.
I’m running after you (I’m running after you).

Look for the feeling that we lost.
Where did you have it last?
Maybe if we retrace our steps.
But we can’t find the path that led us here to where we stand.
Face to face to watch this bitter end.
Now something beautiful is dead.”

-cauterize.

seriously.

“My creative process is both complex and simple. The complexities arise when I try and understand what I am doing when I am doing it. It’s like trying to describe the sensation of love; one is better suited just experiencing it for oneself. But it becomes simple when I let go into the process and don’t question it so much. Kind of a surrender into right brian, as it were. But for clarity’s sake, I have waves of creativity, followed by times of drought. In these times, I have learned that just reading, listening to music, and surfing a whole lot help to pass the time before the next creative pulse arises. It’s been this way in my life for as long as I can remember.

I think that to live a life of expressivity is paramount. To me it is the embodiment of freedom. I don’t have a particularly specific statement that I am trying to convey; like the Romantic’s Manifesto, or something akin. I am more interested in existing in a continual state of creativity. To be able to see the art in every occurrence. To find beauty in the mundane and in the otherwise trite and or trivial. My life, as it were, is not unlike one of my drawings; a continually evolving, bulbous, mass of thought, after-thought, absurdity, intention and enthusiasm. Scribbled happily in ink without pencil lines and signed at the bottom.” -Brandon Boyd.

“the world has been broken into pieces. all this chaos, all this discord. and our job- everyone’s job- is to try to put the pieces back together. to make things whole again. i mean, i don’t know how the world broke. and i don’t know if there’s a God who can help us fix it. but the fact that the world is broken- i absolutely believe that. just look around us. every minute- every single second- there are a million things you could be thinking about. a million things you could be worrying about. our world- don’t you just feel we’re becoming more and more fragmented? i used to think that when i got older, the world would make so much more sense. but you know what? the older i get, the more confusing it is to me. the more complicated it is. the harder it is. you’d think we’d be getting better at it. but there’s just more and more chaos. the pieces- they’re everywhere. and nobody knows what to do about it. i find myself grasping. you know that feeling? the feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? i want to believe in that.” -nick and norah’s infinite playlist.

i’ve been slacking for wayyy too long now. enough’s enough. i need to get back on track with working out and watching what i eat. it feels like all the money i spent on going to weight watcher’s meetings went down the drain with how i’ve been the past few months. ah. i need to focus and i need determination. for realllllll. i know it’s summer and all but i really need to be more strict on myself. i need to chill with the soda and ciggies too. i have to get back into the healthy mind frame again. i was doing so well for so long and then all of a sudden i went back to my old bad habbits….

so from this point on, i’m going to get back into it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! promise!

“July 9, 2009

Walking Through
When Doors Open

When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what’s there as that’s the only way to know. Even if it doesn’t seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go. 

Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold. 

There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.”

“Nature’s first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.”

-Robert Frost.

i remember i had to memorize this poem in seventh grade for my lit class. i had to memorize this poem and also the road less traveled by. even though i appreciated them and liked these poems at the time, i definitely couldn’t relate to either. in middle school everything was perfect, and i didn’t realize how perfect life was until years later. the biggest worries i had back then were about homework or soccer. looking back now, i miss those days. i miss the days of when i didn’t have real problems. the saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” is so true. but the thing is, i knew what i had. i remember i’d always brag to people about how awesome my family was. i remember i used to ditch my friends on weekends just so i can stay home and be with my family. i really do miss those days with all my heart.

i know that there are bigger problems in the world than mine. i know people have gone through and are going through much more traumatic problems then me. but i still cannot help but still grieve everyday about what happened. and the pain is never going to go away completely. as much as i want it to, as much as i’d give anything to have a stable family again, i have to accept that it’s not ever going to be the same ever again.

it’s gotten better lately. two years ago, when everything first happened, it was a complete and utter emotional disaster. it was a nightmare. but now that it’s better i can finally try to accept what’s happened. i’m even starting to talk about everything more, which is a big step for me. it’s still a complete shock, and i don’t think i’ll ever fully comprehend what’s happened, or accept the fact that my dad’s never going to come home. but i’ve come a long way, and so has my family and i’m so proud of them.

obviously i’ve changed through this traumatic experience; emotionally, mentally, physically. it really saddens me that i’ve changed in certain ways, but i really don’t have any control over it. people who judge me for changing really have no idea what real pain is and cannot fathom the fact that it changes you. a person can’t stay the same after an experience like that. it is/it was definitely life-changing. but really, i’m still the same person deep down though. and although i get frustrated with the emotional changes that this whole thing has left me with, i still love myself. and i’m so proud of myself. i’ve become such a strong person through this all. i stayed true to myself throughout and i always will no matter what. i know that i can deal with any other heart break the world brings me.

anyway, i decided to follow through with my plans of getting “nothing gold can stay” tattood. this tattoo has so much meaning to me after going through all this family bs. and i honestly don’t care if people judge me for getting it. i didn’t get it for attention or any other reason. i did this for me and only me. i’ve always believed that your body is a blank canvas and that tattoos can be a story board depicting your life. so that’s what i’m doing. and when people or strangers ask what my tattoo says, they’ll probably never know why i got it, but i don’t really care because like i said, this tattoo is for me, no one else.